this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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