ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
