When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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