I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
