coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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