using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
