I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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