Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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