Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
ttyl tear gas
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
