i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it glows. i had to have it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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