I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
