This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
