phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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