someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
