I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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