i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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