I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
