she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Actions speak louder than pants.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
