I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
