at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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