i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
