after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
