90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
