I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
