shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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