if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
