after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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