Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
