god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
