you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
