Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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