It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
