I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize