i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize