Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
