I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
