So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
