Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
