so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize