How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
