On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
