Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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