so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
