peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
