I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
