Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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