I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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