I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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