you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
