my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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