I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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