apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.ā \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
