It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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