Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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