I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
