you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
All I want is dick and wine.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
