if you like me you must not know who I am
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
