Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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