Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
