Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize