bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
