Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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